In a shocking yet entirely predictable turn of events, the American internet has officially been declared too American to trust. Experts warn that Trump and Big Tech have fused into a singular entity known as the “Enshittocracy,” a bureaucratic nightmare where every click requires a notarized form and a solemn pledge to buy overpriced merchandise.
“It’s like the roof has caved in, but instead of fixing it, we’re all just posting memes about the leak,” said a spokesperson for the newly formed Department of Digital Inconveniences. “We’ve reached stage three enshittification, where the entire system exists to annoy users into submission.”
The process, as detailed in a recent satirical analysis, involves platforms initially charming users before slowly draining their will to live through algorithmic chaos. “Remember when Facebook showed you what you actually wanted to see?” mused a former engineer, now working as a professional bucket-matcher for leaking roofs. “Now it just shows you ads for products you accidentally mentioned while screaming at your smart speaker.”
President Trump, hailed as a “chaos agent” by both critics and his own fan club, has accelerated this decline by merging his golf resort’s Wi-Fi policies with national infrastructure. “If you want to post a tweet about the weather, you’ll need to first watch a 30-second ad for Trump-branded steak,” announced White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders in a statement that was 90% fine print.
Activists are calling for a “post-American internet,” where data privacy is a right, not a privilege reserved for those who can decipher 47-page terms of service. “We’re building a new network,” said one anonymous tech rebel, “called ‘NotAmerica.net.’ It’s like the regular internet, but without the existential dread and mandatory surveys.”
National security hawks have joined the fray, noting that relying on American tech is akin to handing your house keys to a toddler with a flamethrower. “We can’t let Trump brick our tractors every time he gets a bad hair day,” warned a general who asked to remain nameless. “We need auditable code, not just vibes.”
In response, tech giants have released a joint statement assuring users that their data is “100% not being used for evil, unless by evil we mean profit, which we do.” Meanwhile, Canadians are reportedly exploring alternative app stores where the only tracking is done by polite moose.
As the world braces for the next chapter, one thing is clear: the roof isn’t just leaking—it’s been repurposed as a surveillance drone. But hey, at least the buckets are now NFTs.
For more details, see the original report here.